


actions are worth a thousand words

by achilleees_tua



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Adult Number Five | The Boy, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Diego Hargreeves Gets A Haircut, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Post-Season/Series 02, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:48:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25807621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achilleees_tua/pseuds/achilleees_tua
Summary: “I think it would be best if we keep up the ruse for a short while longer,” Five said. “For the sake of time-space continuity.”“Oh, so Klaus was right before, huh?” Diego said. “The fabric of the universe unravels if my hairdresser knows we’re not boning?”
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Diego Hargreeves
Comments: 68
Kudos: 451
Collections: Five & Friends





	actions are worth a thousand words

**Author's Note:**

> this is a future in which they come back to the 2019 they expect and do _not_ meet goateed dark!Ben. however, there’s one little deviation from their expected timeline that they didn’t see coming… 
> 
> since the show has kindly provided me with an explanation for how Five can be young and hot in canon, presume that he got the calculations right the first time and he altered his form to start over as a 23 y/o rather than either a 58 or a 13 y/o. 
> 
> if the formula ain't broke, don't fix it, you know what i mean?

The first thing Diego did after getting back to 2019 was get a haircut.

That wasn’t quite correct. The first thing he did was pass out for 14 hours. Upon waking, he devoured an entire Chipotle burrito without taking the time to breathe. 

_Then_ he got a haircut.

He’d been going to Paula for years. She gave a good chop, even if she spent the whole time telling the same story of her cats he’d heard half a hundred times before. For a $12 cut in less than 15 minutes, he’d put up with worse. 

“And wouldn’t you know it, he was asleep curled up in my shoe the whole time,” Paula finished, tsking fondly. “Damn near stepped on him when I was going to put up the Lost posters.”

“No,” said Diego, flipping a page in a magazine. He compared his skin tone to a color palette. He was an autumn, he decided.

“Yes! Isn’t that the damnedest thing?” She laughed. “But there I go again, talking about Socks the whole time. How’s house-breaking going, any luck yet?”

Diego looked up, suddenly lost. “Huh?”

“You mentioned last time that you couldn’t keep your kitten from making a mess of your apartment for the life of you,” Paula said, touching up the fade on the back of Diego’s head. “Still true?”

“Uh,” Diego said. “What?”

Paula smiled at him, faintly quizzical. “You feeling alright, darling?”

“I… think so,” Diego said. “But I don’t have a kitten.”

Paula gasped. “Oh shit, what happened?”

Diego blinked at her.

“Oh, I shouldn’t ask, how awful,” Paula said. “Poor thing. You must be so heartbroken.”

“No, but—“

She put her hand down on his shoulder. “Your haircut today is on me.”

Diego stared, mystified.

He called the Academy from the payphone outside, absently running his hand up the prickly spines of his shorn hair.

He’d expected Mom to pick up, but it was Klaus’s voice that met him on the other end of the line. “Hey?”

“Hey,” Diego said. “Is Five there?”

“Ugh, somewhere,” Klaus said. “Hang on.” He covered the receiver with his hand so his voice came through muffled. “Five? Fiiiive?”

There was an unintelligible shout from the other end.

Klaus’s voice returned. “Whew, little man is in a _mood_. Is it important?”

“Not really,” Diego said. “I just — something weird happened, I was wondering if he’d have any input.”

“Weird how?” Klaus said. “There are many and varied types of weirdness in our lives.”

“The Five type of weird,” Diego said.

“Ah, space-time weird,” Klaus said wisely. “Hang on.” He covered the receiver again, calling into the house, “He says the fate of the world depends on it!”

“I didn’t say that,” Diego said.

“He says if you don’t come talk to him right now, the fabric of the universe itself could unravel!”

“I definitely didn’t say that,” Diego said.

Five’s voice filtered through the line unexpectedly, making Diego jump. “What.”

“You can’t possibly have believed I said that shit,” Diego said.

“No, but I assumed you were asking for me,” Five said. “So what do you want?”

“Jesus, sorry for breathing, I just thought you’d want to know that reality was altered since we came back,” Diego said, rolling his eyes.

“What do you mean?” Five said, abruptly more interested.

Diego took a breath. It already sounded dumb in his head, and he cringed at hearing himself speak it aloud. “My hairdresser says I’ve talked to her about my pet kitten, and I never have.”

To his surprise, Five hummed thoughtfully. 

“You think it means something?” Diego asked.

“Meaning is both a relative and an irrelevant construct,” Five said. “I’m curious about any Butterfly Effects that came out of our interference in the timeline, even… seemingly inconsequential ones. Have you noticed anything else?”

“Just the one,” Diego said. “But I’ll keep an eye out, for sure. You haven’t seen anything different on your end?”

“Nothing immediately apparent,” Five said. “And the others haven’t said anything. If the only difference we’ve caused is you deciding to get a kitten, then I’d call that a success.”

“Could have been worse,” Diego said. 

“Definitely,” Five said. He paused. “What’s your kitten’s name?”

“I don’t have a kitten,” Diego said.

“I bet it’s something cute,” Five said, audibly smirking. “Dandelion? Duchess? Dumpling?”

“Sounds like an alternate version of the Powerpuff Girls.”

“The who?” 

“Nothing,” Diego said. “Also, I don’t fucking have a kitten.”

“You might want to take a closer look around your apartment,” Five advised. “It would be extremely unpleasant to find out you're wrong by unearthing an emaciated cat carcass in a few months.”

It wasn’t a terrible idea, Diego realized. 

He didn’t find any cat toys, but his apartment wasn’t _quite_ the same as he’d left it.

There were little differences here and there: the couch had been shifted diagonally; the cups were face-up instead of face-down in the cabinet; his fridge was inexplicably full of snack-packs of apples and peanut butter. Perhaps most damningly, his dresser was half-full of a smaller someone else’s clothing.

Lifting a silk tie from his sock drawer, he said, “Well, shit.”

It was Wednesday, so he didn’t have much time to ponder before his 5:00 basic self-defense class. He was already a few minutes late getting started, so the girls were doing their stretches when he walked in.

“Hey, Diego,” said Brianna. 

“Hey, Bri,” Diego said. “Flamingoes today, I see.”

She plucked her stretchy neon flamingo-print pants away from her leg, showing them off. “Lululemon could never.”

“Again, I don’t know what that means,” Diego said. 

She laughed. “Did you get a haircut?”

“Yeah,” Diego said, running his hand over his hair. “It was getting kind of long.” He smiled to himself at the joke they couldn’t understand.

“Looks good,” Halley chimed in. “Did the haircut lady tell you about her lost cat again?”

“Every time,” Diego said. He paused, thinking. Then he said, studiously nonchalant, “She asked about my kitten also.”

“God, you are so fucking cute,” Brianna said. “It’s honestly gross.”

“What?”

“Don’t _what_ us, you romantic tool,” Halley said. “Giving us those big innocent eyes.”

“It’s not our fault college guys suck,” Kelsey said. “You don’t have to flaunt your adorable relationship all the time.”

The silk tie. Confirmation. “I can’t help it if my baby’s a hot piece of ass,” Diego said, rolling with it. 

“Yeah, you’ve said,” Brianna said. “Like, nine times.”

Halley snorted. “That’s only because you’ve blatantly hit on him like nine times and he’s letting you down easy.”

“Not like you’re any better,” Brianna said. 

“I don’t hit on Diego,” Halley said.

“No, you hit on _Five_ ,” Kelsey said.

“What,” Diego said. 

“Whoa,” said Luther from the living room as Diego stalked by. “What are you so mad about?”

“Five?” Diego said.

“Is that an answer or a question?” Luther said.

“You know where he is?”

“Kitchen, I think,” Luther said. “Is something wrong?”

Diego turned on his heel, walking to the kitchen.

“At some point you need to answer the question,” Luther said, following after him.

Diego stormed up to the kitchen table and grabbed Five’s coffee mug halfway to his mouth. “No,” he said.

Five stared up at him. “No?” 

“No coffee,” Diego said. “Coffee is for —“

“Closers,” Luther said.

“Ugh, that would be the kind of dorky movie you’d reference,” Klaus said from the fridge.

“You’ve seen it,” Luther said.

“Hot Baldwin,” Klaus said.

“Is someone going to start making sense anytime soon?” Five said mildly. “And may I have my coffee back?”

“No,” Diego said. “You’ll get your coffee back when you clean up your goddamn mess.”

“Is this about the space-time problem?” Klaus said.

“Fill me in,” Luther said, frowning.

“Fill _me_ in,” Klaus said.

“I believe he’s trying to,” Five said. “So shut up and let him.”

Diego pointed at Five. “We’re screwing.”

There was a brief, stark silence. 

Then Klaus — of course — broke it, laughing. “And this is how you decide to announce it to the family? What happened to the mean girl with the red boots?”

“Explain,” Five said.

“Your shit’s in my room,” Diego said. “The girls in my defense class talked about you. Remember how my hairdresser says I have a kitten? That’s you, baby boy. So explain this one to me, because I’m all ears.”

Five ran his tongue over his top row of teeth, thinking.

“Did you just call him kitten?” Luther said.

“Unhelpful questions will be ignored,” Five said absently. “Did you get any sense for how long they think we’ve been together for?”

Diego hesitated. “A while, I think,” he said. 

“Longer than a few weeks?” Five prompted.

Diego nodded.

“Then this version of me didn’t just come back when Dad died,” Five said. “I thought that might be the case. My room here seems more lived in.” He drummed his fingers on the table.

“Funny, because you seem to be living in my room too,” Diego said. 

“And you’re positive it’s me?” Five said.

“You know any other Five’s?” 

Five shrugged. “Statistically unlikely, but not impossible.”

“It’s you,” Diego said. “Normal 20-somethings don’t wear pocket squares.”

“Pardon me for not dressing like a punk reject who shops exclusively in Hot Topic dumpsters,” Five said. “I need to think.” He warped out of the room.

Diego set down the coffee cup he was still holding.

“You call him kitten,” Klaus said wonderingly.

Diego walked into his apartment and rolled his eyes when he found Five waiting on the sofa.

“If I may,” Five said.

“You’ve gotta lot of damn nerve asking me for a favor right now,” Diego said.

“A suggestion,” Five said.

“You’ve gotta lot of damn nerve making one of those, too.”

“I think it would be best if we keep up the ruse for a short while longer,” Five said. “For the sake of time-space continuity.”

“Oh, so Klaus was right before, huh?” Diego said. “The fabric of the universe unravels if my hairdresser knows we’re not boning?”

“You’re upset, I get it,” Five said, tone infuriatingly even. “But until I’ve determined why _this_ is the single apparent divergence that resulted from our actions, I don’t want to upset the balance.”

“People break up all the time,” Diego said. “We don’t have to tell people it’s because the alternate universe version of you is a jackass.”

Five’s lips twitched. “I’m sure this version of me is a jackass too.”

“I’m not gonna argue that.”

“What kind of demonstrable effect will it have on your life?” Five said. “Were you planning on asking out your hairdresser?”

“That’s not the point,” Diego said.

“Were you planning on asking out the girls in your self-defense class?”

Diego made a face. “Dude, gross.”

“Then I fail to see why it’s such a big deal for you to play along for a few weeks until I can formulate a hypothesis,” Five said. 

“A few weeks?” Diego said. “You swear?”

“In one month—“

“Oh, so we’re up to a month already.”

“In one month, you’re allowed to dump me,” Five said. “If I haven’t already dumped you first.”

Diego sighed. “Deal,” he said. “But only because you’re usually right about time travel bullshit.”

Five smiled.

“Anyway, I hear the fate of the universe depends on it,” Diego added, and Five laughed.

Diego walked with Five upstairs since he had to start his shift anyway. He turned to grab his mop in time to catch the tail end of Al watching Five go.

“Eyes off,” Diego said mildly, filling his bucket. “Ain’t he a little young for you, old-timer?”

“Aw, piss off,” Al said. “I don’t need any of your lip today.”

“You’re the one checking out my — boyfriend,” Diego said with the barest hesitation.

“Every time, we gotta go through this?”

Diego paused. “Every time?”

Al flapped his hand at him in aggravation.

“Just one more time and I’ll shut up about it,” Diego said. “What’s so interesting about my boy?”

“Hargreeves, you keep giving me this kinda crap and I’m gonna—“

“C’mon, Al,” Diego coaxed. “What is it?”

Al shook his head with a faint smile. “You never get sick of hearing it, huh?”

“I guess I don’t,” Diego said, only growing more curious. 

Al huffed a breath out his nose, reading Diego’s expression. Eventually, he gave in. “You know I like that boy. He’s good for you.”

“You said that about Eudora too,” Diego said.

“Nah, said she was too good for you,” Al said. “Your boy — he’s what you need, not what you think you should want.”

Diego had to take a moment to absorb this. Finally, he gave a weak attempt at a laugh. “You know he’s a dick, right?”

“Difference does that make? So’re you,” Al said. “You never seem like you’re putting it on for him. Whatever he sees in you, he sees _you_.”

“Yeah,” Diego said.

“And — you want someone who sticks around through the shit,” Al said. “That kid would bury a body with you.”

“Yeah,” Diego said. “I know.” There was nothing else to say to that.

Carlos at the bodega threw a pack of cinnamon gum in with Diego’s Gatorade. “For Five,” he said. “But tell him it’s not a replacement for brushing his teeth.”

“Sure thing,” Diego said, reeling.

He came downstairs and found the back of Five’s head bent over his dresser. “I must be hiding my porn somewhere else if we’re sharing a sock drawer,” Diego said, shrugging off his jacket. “Either that or you’re getting an eyeful.”

“You hide your porn when you live alone?” Five said idly. “Freud could write a field manual of childhood issues based off you.”

“Hey, bro, I’m not the one running after Daddy to solve all my problems,” Diego said. He turned on the hot plate.

“Are you referencing Reginald, or is that my cute ‘kitten’ equivalent for you?” Five asked.

“You think you call me Daddy?” Diego said. “Speaking of Freudian no-brainers, Christ. The pot doesn’t fall far from the kettle.”

Five chuckled. “You’re mixing your metaphors.”

“I’m malaphoring my metaphors. Try it sometime, it’s a good time,” Diego said, taking the marinating chicken out of the fridge. “What are you looking for, anyway?”

“Clothes,” Five said. “Why go shopping when an alternate version of you has already done the heavy lifting?” He lifted a shawl-neck sweater up to his chest. “I have good taste.”

“If you’re into the prep look,” Diego said, but Five wasn’t wrong about that style working for him. 

“Whatever you want to call it,” Five said. “What are you doing?”

Diego scooped some butter into the hot pan with an audible sizzle. “How specific do you want me to be? Because I suspect you’ll throw something at me if I say _cooking_.”

“I’m given to understand you of all people can handle shit being thrown at you. What are you cooking?”

“Butter chicken,” Diego said.

“Wait,” Five said. “You can make butter chicken?”

“Is that a pointed _you_ , or are you amazed at the idea that anyone could make butter chicken?” 

“Both,” Five said. “ _You_ can make butter chicken?”

“You get bored of grilled chicken and greens after a while,” Diego said. “Sometimes you wanna eat something with flavor.” He hesitated. “You hungry?”

“For butter chicken? Yes,” Five said without shame.

Diego looked up at Five as he diced the onions. “You can stick around if you make the salad.”

“…Thanks,” Five said, sounding surprised.

“Sure,” Diego said, smirking and clicking the tongs at Five. “Gotta treat my baby right.”

Five snorted.

“Hey, Diego,” he heard behind him, and turned.

“Hey, doll,” he said, drawing Kayla into a one-armed hug. “Haven’t seen you here for a while. What happened, did you and Steve break up?”

She winced. “Am I really one of those assholes?”

“I’m gonna let you answer that for yourself,” Diego said.

Kayla sighed. “When I’m between relationships, I always tell myself that I’m not going to be that girl who disappears off the face of the earth when she gets a boyfriend, and then…”

“We all do it to some degree,” Diego said. “I won’t hold it against you. You here for a class, or you looking for someone to let off some steam with?”

“Please,” she said, binding up her hair in a tight ponytail. 

“Nice,” he said, going to the hook to take down some boxing gloves for them. “And when we’re done here, we can find another way to let off some steam.” He dropped his voice meaningfully.

He and Kayla hooked up pretty often when they were both between relationships — and sometimes, he suspected, when they weren’t, although he wasn’t going to ask her. They had a good thing going, and she was a hot lay: a total wildcat in the sack, no shame in her at all, which was why he wasn’t expecting to get punched in the arm for that.

“Hey!”

“Alright, where is he?” she said, looking around.

“Where’s who?” Diego said. “Jesus!”

“Like I don’t know your act, hitting on me to get him all riled up,” Kayla said, shaking her head. “Don’t drag me into your little sex games, mister.”

“He’s not here,” Diego said. “Maybe I’m just hitting on you to hit on you, Christ.”

She scoffed. “As if you’d ever cheat on Five.”

Diego had never been the type to cheat. He didn’t see the point — if he liked the girl enough to want to be with her, why would he want to stray? And if he would rather have been fucking someone else, well. That said something.

But people always seemed shocked to learn that about him, insultingly so. One time when he’d been with Eudora, one of their mutual friends had come onto him. She’d laughed when he’d turned her down and said _Yeah, but_. When he’d refused her again, she’d been so surprised.

Diego had always wondered what it said about him, how he looked through someone else’s eyes — a sewer-dweller mired in low expectations. 

Now he wondered what it meant about him that Kayla was so convinced of the opposite.

“Maybe I broke up with him,” he said. “Maybe we’re a little two-man lonely hearts club band here.”

“Please,” Kayla said, shooting him an indulgent smile. “Don’t lie just to make me feel less pathetic. It won’t work.”

Her faith felt uncomfortably like being called on in class by Reginald to answer a question Diego hadn’t prepared for; he looked away, unsure how to respond. 

Diego wondered what Dr. Moncton would have to say about that.

Diego looked up when the door opened, watching as a pair of sensible black Oxfords stepped into the room.

Five. 

Diego watched, curious, as Five’s legs lingered by the door for a moment before stepping inside. He seemed to turn in a circle a few times — looking for something? For what? — before he came all the way into the room and flopped down onto the couch. There was a rustle of paper and a soft little exhale, then quiet.

“What are you doing?” Diego said.

Five jolted, a blue warp flickering around him before he settled in place. “Shitfuck!”

Diego waited patiently for him to look a little less wild around the eyes before he said, voice pleasant, “Nice to see you too, Five. So what are you doing?”

Five flicked his hair out of his eyes with a quick jerk of his head. “I know you’re tired of the Batman references, but at the point you’re lurking in your own home waiting to pounce on unwitting intruders, I think you’ve earned it.”

Diego lifted a plastic container. “Or I could be sorting Tupperware containers. But it’s probably the Batman thing, you’re right.”

Five leaned over the back of the couch, taking in the spread of mismatched tubs and lids on the floor, and Diego at their center. “Why?”

“Every time I open the cabinet, they avalanche out,” Diego said. “Figured it was time to organize them.”

Five hummed his understanding. “Aren’t those the kind Grace uses at the Academy?”

“It’s a popular brand,” Diego said noncommittally. “Are you really going to make me ask you a third time?”

Five huffed. “I needed to — I forgot something last time I was here, I had to —“

“You forgot to do a crossword puzzle?” Diego said, looking pointedly at the folded newspaper Five held.

Five set his jaw, looking away.

Diego stood up, crossing the room and stopping in front of Five. He lifted Five’s chin with two fingers.

Five let him.

“You hate it there that much?” Diego said.

“So would you, if you had to deal with Klaus and Luther’s bullshit,” Five said.

“Yeah, no shit, that’s why I don’t live there,” Diego said. “That and the childhood trauma, but honestly, mostly Klaus and Luther.”

Five gave a little laugh.

“So you’re here to hide out?”

“I’m here to… not be there,” Five said.

“There are other places to not be there,” Diego said, not meanly, just… curious. 

Five stood up. “I can—“

“Nah, man,” Diego said. “Stay.”

Five shot him a measuring look. “You mean it?” 

Diego met his eyes squarely. “I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it.”

“Yeah,” Five said, relaxing. He dropped his voice, so quietly it wasn’t clear if he meant to be heard. “I like that about you.”

Graciously, Diego didn’t force him to repeat it, no matter how much it warmed him to — for once — be the receiver of Five’s rare and invaluable praise.

Diego was waiting in Eudora’s car when she got out of the station, idly picking the lock on her glove compartment. “Hey, dollface,” he said when she opened the driver’s side door. “I need a favor.”

“I’m not giving you any confidential files, and you can stop asking,” she said, getting into the driver’s seat and smacking his hand away from the glove compartment. “What are you doing this weekend? I have Saturday off.”

Diego faltered, thrown. 

They got along alright, but they didn’t _hang out_. Since their break-up, their interactions had been limited to police business, him trying to get access and her shutting the door in his face. They had a certain fondness for each other, that faucet couldn’t just be turned off, but things were never simple and they certainly weren’t easy. Their relationship was — adversarial. 

Contentious.

But apparently things were different now. Her tone was lighter, her expression open and warm. And if the only thing that had changed from the original timeline was him and Five being together, then —

Then… something. 

“I think I’m free,” he said. “What were you thinking of?”

She tucked her hair behind her ear. “There’s a music festival in the park. I remember you like Regina Spektor. And there are some other bands I think you’d enjoy.” Digging around in her bag, she unearthed a crumpled flyer, handing it off to him and then following it with a book. “Oh yeah, can you give this to Five?”

Diego glanced down. _The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat_. “What is this, some kind of horror story?”

She rolled her eyes. “Just give it to him.”

Diego idly riffled through the book. “Maybe we broke up.”

“Sure,” Eudora said in a humoring tone.

Diego didn’t say anything.

Eudora’s voice sharpened. “What did you do?”

“Why does everyone react like that?” Diego said. “Is it so impossible that we might actually have broken up?”

“I’ve seen you two together.”

“Yeah,” Diego said, quieter. “People keep saying that.”

Eudora was silent for a moment. Then she said, voice tender —

She hadn’t been this soft with Diego in _years_.

“Did you and Five break up?”

“No,” Diego said. He inhaled. “Not officially.”

“Oh, Diego,” she said, expression earnest. “What happened?”

“Nothing happened,” Diego said. “I’m just… When you think about it, do we even make sense? Like, out of context — How did we even end up here?”

“Does he make you happy?”

Diego was quiet. 

“If you’re going to break up with him, you should have an actual reason for it,” she said. Her voice went dry. “A reason that’s not just commitment-phobia.”

“I have a reason,” Diego said.

“The reason can’t be _we don’t make sense_ ,” Eudora said. “You don’t have to make sense, that’s not a requirement. Not everything makes sense. That doesn’t make it worthless.”

Diego looked at his hands, lips quirking. “Pinky-swear?”

“What?”

“Nothing,” he said. 

“You’re so weird,” she said. She sighed. “You can break up with him if you want. I’m going to be on your side no matter what. But if you do break that boy’s heart… make sure the reason’s a good one.”

Diego opened the book to the first page, needing something to busy him besides her accusing stare. _Neurology’s favorite word is ‘deficit,’_ he read. 

“Okay,” he said.

Diego entered the boiler room as normal, but he quieted his steps when he found Five asleep on the couch, strewn over it in an uncharacteristically graceless sprawl of limbs.

He set down his groceries on the counter. Taking out the milk and eggs, he eased open the fridge door, taking care not to knock them against anything as he tucked them inside. Leaving everything else for later, he retreated to his bed with Eudora’s surprisingly absorbing book, flopping onto his stomach and settling in.

Some time must have passed before Five stirred, because the light fell over him differently when he sat up on the couch, combing his hair back into place.

“Morning, sunshine,” Diego said. 

He expected Five to jump, but he just stretched in place, arms over his head and back arching like a cat. “S’it really morning?” he mumbled, marble-mouthed compared to his usual crisp elocution.

“Nah,” Diego said. “But part of being in the basement is that it’s hard to tell. When I nap, I wake up in a different time-zone, I swear.”

“Yeah,” Five said. He drew his knees onto the couch, turning to face Diego over the back of it, chin rested on his folded arms. “I’m sleeping a lot these days. Every time I wake up, I’m in a different time-zone.”

“You’ve earned it,” Diego said, turning a page. 

“I suppose,” Five said. 

Diego looked up at him, cued by a change in his voice. “I’m serious. You’ve had your foot on the gas for a long time. You can afford to ease up for once.”

Five wrinkled his nose. “It feels itchy to be unproductive.”

“Yeah, well, congratulations,” Diego said. 

Five looked surprised.

“When’s the last time you got to feel a little itchy rather than, you know, like the hounds of hell were snapping at your heels?”

Five smiled a little. “When you put it that way…”

“Lean into it,” Diego said. “Things could be a lot worse than having the luxury of getting a little bored.”

“Yeah,” Five said. “I suppose I shouldn’t be shooting a gift horse in the mouth.”

“Uh,” Diego said, then he grinned. “The art of malaphor, right?”

Five smiled back, his dimple flashing.

There were closer and better clubs to his apartment, but Diego intentionally bypassed those and headed towards a grungy bar a 12 minute cab ride away, the kind of place where brushing against surfaces made him feel a coating of slime on his skin.

He was not getting cockblocked by his fake boyfriend again. Not tonight.

It worked beautifully — he had a girl hooked by his smile in 10 minutes, grinding tight and close in 20, and making out in a dark corner in another 20 more. It was so goddamn good to get some pressure on his dick that wasn’t from his own hand that he barely noticed her friends gossiping about them, and he certainly didn’t care.

They stumbled into his apartment in a tangle of limbs, bumping on every surface like a pinball machine until he finally had her flat under him on the bed, their hips meeting in a lazy grind. 

His hand was most of the way up her skirt and her mouth was open against his in a soundless little gasp when a banging on the door startled them both. “Hargreeves, get your shit out of the dryer or it’s getting dumped in the alley.”

“Shit,” Diego said, pulling back.

“Maybe he’s bluffing?” she said hopefully.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought last time,” Diego said with a grimace. “I’ll be right back.”

“I see where your priorities lie,” she said, but she sounded cheerful enough, settling back on his bed to wait for him.

“Thirty seconds, I swear,” Diego said, jogging out. 

It was a bit more than thirty seconds — a minute, tops — but when he got back, she was midway through doing up her heels.

“Hey, whoa, what?” Diego said, dropping his laundry basket to the side. “I meant that hyperbolically, I didn’t realize I was actually being timed.”

She looked up at him, expression icy. “I don’t like being the mistress.”

_No, God, no_ , cried Diego’s dick. “Wait, hold up, what?”

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to be cheated on?” she said. “How much it rips you open? It’s not something you just _get over_. You don’t come back from it the same.”

“I’m not—“

“Oh, please,” she said, full of acid contempt. “I’m not stupid. This isn’t a single person’s apartment.”

There was a moment, he sensed, where he could have denied this and she would have believed him. If he’d been quick enough, firm enough, convincing enough, he could have sold her on it. 

He could have explained it away — the two sets of dishes in the drying rack; the neat division of clothes in two sizes in his dresser; the note Five had left him to buy more blackberries; the second toothbrush by the sink.

But he didn’t.

He didn’t, and in seconds, she was gone, leaving in a cloud of perfume and a derisive toss of her hair.

Diego sat down on the edge of the bed, collapsing backwards and throwing his arm over his eyes. Fucking Five.

He hated knowing that she was going back to tell all of her friends about the douchebag cheater who had just tried to score with her. It shouldn’t have mattered, but it did.

It had been years since he’d gone this long without getting laid. He was horny and itchy and restless with pent-up energy, and when the barista at the coffee place giggled and tucked her hair behind her ear, his whole body lit up like a firecracker.

_Don’t blow this_ , he told himself. “You new here?” he asked, leaning against the counter.

“Oh, please,” she said. “That’s the oldest line in the book. You may as well ask if I come here often.”

“I like a girl with high standards, it pairs well with a pretty smile,” Diego said. 

“You think you’re charming, don’t you?”

“Nah, I think I’m _cute_ ,” Diego said. “Charming’s an added bonus.” He flashed her a broad smile.

“Maybe I don’t like corny lines,” she said, but he could see her fighting a smile.

“Alright, so tell me what you do like, and I’ll see what I check off on the list,” Diego said. “I’ll tell you upfront I’m not much of a poet, but if you need someone to break into your car with a coat hanger when you’ve locked yourself out, I’m your man.”

“There is something to be said for useful life skills,” she said, smiling at him.

For a moment, he faltered, caught on her dimple.

Before he had the time to recover, a hand came down on his hip. “What’s taking you so long?” Five said, suddenly _there_. 

The barista straightened up, wearing an expression of having been electrocuted while Diego was left staring dumbly. 

“I can’t let you out of my sight for a moment, can I?” Five said, smirking up at Diego, devilish and cute. 

“You,” Five pronounced, as Diego dragged him out of the coffee shop by the scruff of his neck, “have no sense of humor.”

“Maybe some things aren’t funny,” Diego said. “God, and I thought throwing me under the bus in that fucking institution was a dick move.”

“Don’t you think you’re overreacting a tad?” Five said, entirely unrepentant. 

“I really don’t,” Diego said. He stopped dead on the sidewalk. “Shit, I didn’t even get my coffee.”

Five started laughing all over again.

Diego growled, shoving Five ahead of him into the boxing gym. “You’ve got a sick sense of humor, you little bitch-punk.”

“You’re so high-strung when you’re horny,” Five remarked, all loose, easy posture next to Diego’s tight clench.

“I’m going to throw you into traffic,” Diego said.

Five snickered, following Diego down the stairs into the basement. “You get laid all the time. I think you’ll survive being cock-blocked this once.”

“Once? Bro, your existence is a cock-block,” Diego said. 

Five cocked his head.

“I haven’t gotten laid since —“ Diego let out a breath, Lila’s image flashing in his mind, “we got back to this time, because every goddamn girl I meet knows I’d _never_ cheat on my loving boyfriend. And I’m certainly not getting laid _from_ my loving boyfriend, so you’ve put me between a rock and a hard place.”

Five gave a little laugh. “Don’t you mean between a rock and a hard-on?”

“You little shit,” Diego said, and in the space of a second he’d crowded Five against his apartment door, hands fisted in his collar, their bodies aligned.

Five gave a sharp gasp, eyes widening.

“This is your fault,” Diego said. “I’m playing this game because you asked me to, sweetheart. So the question is — what are you going to do about it?”

Five’s eyes dropped to Diego’s lips.

Instantly, Diego’s anger dissolved into dust. “Yeah?” he said.

“Yeah,” Five said.

“Jesus,” Diego said, stripping off Five’s shirt and kissing down his lean chest. “ _Jesus_ ,” he said again when he’d managed to divest Five of his pants, leaving him naked. 

He sat back on his heels, admiring the whole gorgeous spread of Five, every perfect line and curve. 

“Thought you were supposed to be all eager,” Five said, dragging him down on top of him. “Admire me later.”

“Rather admire you now,” Diego said, kissing everywhere he could reach — Five’s ear, his hair, his jaw, his shoulder. “You’re so pretty, babe.”

“You’re so horny you’d fuck a body pillow right now,” Five said, riding his hard cock shamelessly against Diego’s hip. “You’d be grateful if I handed you a cantaloupe with a hole in it.”

“Hardly,” Diego said. “I got high standards for the people I fuck.” He reached down, pressing the heel of his palm against Five’s hard cock.

“I suppose — that’s true,” Five said, arching up with a gasp. “From what I know of your taste, you do like them pretty.”

“Pretty and tough,” Diego said, licking his palm and starting to stroke Five’s cock, firm and warm and tight, giving him exactly the pressure he liked himself.

Five’s head knocked back, his mouth falling open. “Nnh, and a little — mean,” he managed. “People with some, ah, fight in them.”

“See?” Diego said. “High standards.” He watched Five raptly, intoxicated by how pliant he was turning out to be, falling apart just from Diego’s touch. “When’s the last time you did this, sweetheart?”

“Fuck, you don’t — want to know,” Five said. Before Diego could answer, he continued, “Or at least, I don’t want to, _ah_ , tell you.”

Diego teased at the slit of his cock with his thumb, and Five whined. “Yeah?” Diego said. “You must be even more blue-balled than I am.”

“Still less desperate than you,” Five said, grinning up at him. Diego might have held it against him, but he liked the edge of wildness in Five’s eyes. 

“You calling me a slut?” Diego said, nuzzling under Five’s ear.

“Nah,” Five said, and he reached down and unzipped Diego’s pants, fishing out his cock. Diego bucked at the touch, moaning. “I’m saying you _wish_ you were a slut.”

“I dunno, I’m feeling pretty slutty right now,” Diego said. He moved his mouth over Five’s ear. “How do you want to get off? My hand? My mouth? Say the word, it’s yours.”

Five touched Diego’s lip, seeming tempted, then he shook his head and clamped his thighs around Diego’s body. “Want this.”

Diego looked down, surprised. “Just — this?”

Five nodded. “Just this.”

“Oh, fuck,” Five moaned, the words punched out of him in breathy little jolts. “Oh fu- _uck_.”

“I like you incoherent,” Diego said, forearms braced on either side of Five’s head, frotting against him so hard he may have been trying to grind him through the mattress. “It’s a rare treat.”

“Enjoy it — while it lasts,” Five said, eyelashes fluttering. 

“Believe me, I am,” Diego purred, dropping his head and sucking a mark on Five’s neck, making him shout. “I’m enjoying every damn second of this, baby.”

Five arched his back, his whole body straining upwards, pressing against Diego’s chest. “God, your dick,” he said.

Diego perked up. “What about my dick?”

Five latched his leg behind Diego’s thigh, rolling up so his cock nudged over Diego’s hip, leaving slick trails. “It’s — aah, I can feel it on me, it’s so —“ Five managed before losing track.

“It’s so what?” Diego said breathily, nudging at Five’s cheek with his lips. 

Five looked up at Diego with those liquid, grey eyes. Framed by Diego’s arms, he was lovelier than any piece of art Diego had ever seen. “Thought you liked me, nnh, incoherent,” he said.

“I like hearing about my dick, too,” Diego said, nudging him again. “Come on, baby, tell me, say it.”

“You already know,” Five said.

Diego stilled his hips, lifting off. “Maybe I want to hear it anyway.”

Five groaned, trying to drag Diego back down and growing frustrated when he couldn’t. “You’ll make me come if I do?”

“I swear,” Diego said, leaning in, their lips hovering a hair’s breadth apart.

“It’s so _big_ ,” Five said.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Diego said lowly. He curled his hand around Five’s cock. “You want to come? I’ll make you come.”

The cry Five gave was _broken_. Diego never wanted to forget that sound.

“Egomaniac,” Five slurred as Diego rolled off, panting like a race horse. 

Diego was going to sleep for a week. Even grinding against Five’s hip until he came was the best thing he could imagine. He was never going that long without sex again. “Is this about my big dick?”

Five laughed. “It’s about how much you like hearing about your big dick.”

“Sorry, you were mumbling, can you say that again?” Diego said. 

Five flipped him off. “Go suck your own cock if it’s that big. I don’t see why you even need someone else to fuck.”

“Hey now, let’s not get crazy,” Diego said quickly.

Five laughed again, as relaxed as Diego had ever heard him. “You’re a caricature of yourself.”

Diego rolled onto his back and reached over, manhandling Five against his body and tucking Five’s face under his chin. “Shut up and stop trying to ruin my afterglow.”

Five said something unintelligible into Diego’s collar.

“I agree, baby, that _was_ the best sex you’ve ever had,” Diego said, petting Five’s soft hair. 

Five shook with light laughter, but he let the silence settle, soft and loose-limbed in the circle of Diego’s arms.

Diego fell into a light doze, but he jerked awake with a start when Five shifted out of his arms. He squinted in the dim light, watching as Five leaned off the bed to grab his discarded clothes.

“You heading out?” Diego said, sitting up.

“Yeah,” Five said, walking naked to the sink and running the tap. He pooled water in his cupped hand and used it to mop up his chest. 

“You need a ride?”

“No,” Five said, ripping off a paper towel sheet.

There was a lull. Diego examined the sudden feeling of clenched discomfort in his chest, wondering if it was justified. 

Five was always quiet, but it took on a new significance post-coital. 

“Everything okay?” Diego said.

“We can break up,” Five said.

Diego recoiled, uncertain what to think or how to respond. “Wow,” he said. “Am I really that bad in the sack?”

Five shrugged one shoulder.

“Five,” Diego said. “Give me something here. Tell me what’s going on in your head.”

“I didn’t realize it was disrupting your life that much to maintain the act,” Five said, dressing with brisk efficiency. “I was projecting my own perspective onto yours. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have insisted.”

Diego processed this. It made sense, he thought, but something still felt off. “And you’re convinced now it won’t fuck up the timeline?”

“None of my research has indicated it will,” Five said. “I can’t see a way our relationship’s dissolution would cause an apocalypse.”

“Yeah, alright,” Diego said. “So we’re done?”

“Yeah,” Five said. He offered Diego his hand to shake. “For what it’s worth, as boyfriends go, you weren’t terrible.”

“Flattered, I’m sure,” Diego said. He smiled sardonically. “You sure you want to shake? My hand’s still covered in jizz.”

“Right,” Five said, pulling back. “Mind if I don’t pack up my belongings until tomorrow?”

“S’fine,” Diego said. He paused, then said, voice gentler, “You look tired.”

“Almost always,” Five said.

“For Five,” Carlos said, tossing a pack of cinnamon gum into Diego’s bag. “Tell him—“

“To brush his teeth,” Diego said. “I’ll remind him.”

Diego tossed and turned in bed for a while that night before giving in and getting up. He showered and pulled on some sweatpants, then got to work packing up Five’s things himself. Whenever he felt itchy behind his sternum, he liked to do something productive, anything. It wasn’t the task itself that mattered, just the feeling it gave him.

He found an empty cardboard box in the gym recycling and set to work tucking Five’s clothes away with military efficiency, shirts rolled around socks and underwear in tight little coils. He worked his way with methodical focus through the entire dresser, the drawers left half-bare, empty as the void left by a lost tooth. He was disconcertingly reminded of the day he had first moved in. He hadn’t had enough clothes then to fill the drawers either.

He sat back when he was done, realizing only in retrospect how few belongings Five had brought over. Eudora hadn’t even come over that often when they’d dated, but her things had spread like a fungus — her face wash, a throw blanket, the t-shirt she slept in. Earrings left on top of the dresser, a book laid face down on the table, everything bagel seasoning that she liked to sprinkle on scrambled eggs. Makeup, tape cassettes, pens she kept accidentally stealing from work. Her life, and all the ways it had entwined with his.

But Five had clothes. A few pairs of pants, some button-down shirts, a sweater that looked too big for him, some black socks.

This was Five’s life, Diego thought, struck with a sudden melancholy. This was everything Five owned that mattered to him. Some chinos. A silk tie. A half-finished crossword puzzle.

Suddenly, Diego knew why another version of him had called Five kitten. Cute and fluffy-haired and sharp-clawed, Five was the stray cat who had climbed in through the window and into his bed. Diego had fed him butter chicken and he’d kept coming back. He came and went as he pleased, and Diego couldn’t control that. All he could do was open his door and let Five know he was always welcome, knowing all the while he couldn’t stop him from leaving again.

But…

No.

No, that wasn’t right.

Five was a stray cat. Proud and self-sufficient and hurt before. He couldn’t be collared, that wasn’t the way to keep him — the Handler had found that out, to her visible consternation. But if you opened your door to him, gave him a warm bed to sleep in and good food to eat, and you treated him well and loved him fiercely, he would come back. And he’d keep coming back, over and over until he was finally sure he’d found a place to call home.

“Christ,” Diego said. “I am the simpleton brother.”

“Hey,” Diego said, turning in Five’s desk chair when Five entered his own bedroom.

Five startled. “Jesus!”

“Sorry,” Diego said. “Got a minute?”

Five shot him a wary look, sitting on his bed with his legs folded. “Go on?”

“I just think — if you’re going to break up with me, you better have a reason,” Diego said. “And I want to know that reason.”

“We were never really together,” Five said. “I don’t think the normal rules apply.”

Diego threw a pen at him.

“Christ! What was that for?”

“I didn’t say _Tell me some bullshit_ ,” Diego said. “I said, tell me the reason.”

Five wrinkled his nose at him. “You’re a dick.”

“You’re deflecting.”

Five huffed. “I’m aware. You can’t just let me get away with it?”

“Not a chance,” Diego said. “Come on, Five. Tell me.”

Five inhaled a long breath, letting it out slowly. “I’m fucked up. You know that, right?”

“It’s hard to miss,” Diego said.

“I’m never going to have a normal, healthy relationship,” Five said. “I don’t have it in me. I’m not asking for sympathy, this is a fact,” he added quickly, his tone firm.

Diego shut his mouth before he could speak. He found, with some discomfort, that he couldn’t deny it.

“It wasn’t conscious, but… I think I wanted to see what it felt like,” Five said. “Just to know.”

“And?” Diego said. “Yesterday was…”

Five looked away. “Yesterday it finally felt real.”

Diego’s stomach twisted. “And you broke things off because you didn’t like it?”

Five shook his head minutely.

Diego looked at him uncomprehendingly for a moment. Then he let out a slow breath. “You broke things off because you _did_.”

Five picked up the pen Diego had thrown at him from the ground, turning it over in his fingers.

“Oh, kitten,” Diego said, standing and walking to the bed. He took the pen away from Five, freeing his hands to entwine their fingers. “I don’t like your reason.”

Five jerked, staring accusingly up at him. “What the fuck,” he said, trying to pull his hand away.

“So I reject it,” Diego said. “You’re going to have to come up with a better reason to break up with me, because I don’t accept that one.”

“Oh,” Five said. His lips parted wonderingly. “ _Oh_.”

“You finally get there?” Diego said. “It’s okay to be the dumb brother for once.”

Five gave a little laugh, tipping forward and pressing his face into Diego’s neck. “My ego will survive,” he murmured.

Diego smiled, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

“Hey, sit up for a minute,” Diego said, jiggling his leg.

Five gave an unhappy murmur.

“Just a second,” Diego cajoled. “My leg’s falling asleep, I need to reposition.”

Five rolled off his leg, but his baleful glare up at Diego spoke to his displeasure about the unspeakable inconvenience being asked of him.

“Yeah, yeah,” Diego said, shifting his weight. “Okay, you can come back now.”

Five flopped back down, cheek pillowed on Diego’s thigh.

“Poor kitten,” Diego said. “So aggrieved.”

“My life is so hard,” Five said.

“It is,” Diego said, chuckling and reaching down to scritch his fingers through Five’s hair, digging into his scalp and making him melt. 

Five gave a little hum of pleasure. “Keep reading to me.”

“You’re just going to fall asleep anyway.”

“I’m not,” Five insisted. “I was awake.”

“You’re so full of shit,” Diego said. “What’s the last section I was reading about?”

“The man who had impaired brain function so he didn’t perceive reality the way most people do.”

“That’s all of them,” Diego said.

“So am I wrong?” Five said, smirking. His eyes were closed, but Diego knew intimately the wicked sparkle that he’d be facing otherwise. 

Diego just laughed.

Allison and Luther slowed as they walked by, blatantly staring. “You two are adorable,” Allison said.

“Fuck off,” Diego said, rolling his eyes.

“No, really,” she said. “Put two dysfunctional hot messes together and somehow the magic of chemistry produces an almost healthy relationship.”

“Emphasis on almost,” Luther said.

“Be more condescending, please,” Diego said.

“A boy and his kitten,” Allison said, smirking.

“A girl and her trained ape,” Diego said.

“Hey,” Allison said, glaring.

“Like you don’t deserve it,” Diego said. “You’re giving us shit, you can’t complain when I dish it back.”

“You can’t have two cakes,” Five mumbled without opening his eyes.

There was a beat of quiet, tension shattered.

“What?” Luther said, squinting at Five.

Diego looked up at them, straight-faced. “You know the saying. You can’t have two cakes and a bird too.”

“You’re… That doesn’t even make sense,” Allison said, looking between them.

“Two birds in the hand is—” Five said.

“A cake in a bush,” Diego said.

Five cracked up, laughter vibrating up Diego’s thigh. 

“Ignore them,” Luther said, putting his hand on Allison’s lower back and ushering her away. “Let them amuse themselves.”

“Again, still cute!” she called back from a distance.

“Again, fuck off!” Diego called after her.

Five looked up at Diego, smiling. “Is she wrong?”

“Nah,” Diego said, tapping the end of his nose with a light finger and smiling back. “But she doesn’t get to say it.”

Five snapped at Diego’s finger with his teeth. “Keep reading.”

Diego flipped open the book and began to read again, voice low and even. “One indeed gets no hint of any depths unless one ceases to test the twins, to regard them as ‘subjects.’ One must lay aside the urge to limit and test, and get to know the twins—observe them, openly, quietly, without presuppositions, but with a full and sympathetic phenomenological openness, as they live and think and interact quietly, pursuing their own lives, spontaneously, in their singular way. Then one finds there is something exceedingly mysterious at work, powers and depths of a perhaps fundamental sort, which I have not been able to ‘solve’ in the eighteen years that I have known them.”

He looked down, amused to find Five was asleep before he’d finished a single paragraph. Closing his own eyes, Diego tipped his head back against the tree. 

He could use a nap himself.

**Author's Note:**

> so prior to S2 i just didn't talk tua on tumblr because i try not to talk incest on main. i decided now just to start a new [tumblr](https://achilleees-tua.tumblr.com/) specifically to discuss tua/take tua prompts, so if you talk to me now on anon i'll actually answer! so please feel free to come chat tua or give me any prompts, my inbox is open!


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